The other week I was listening to The Rock FM’s Morning Rumble on my drive to work, which is a show with great tunes and testosterone-driven hilarity and initiatives (seriously, how men come up with ideas like ‘CAR-B-Q’ – and then actually fucking execute them is beyond me).
On that morning they were joined in banter by their news reader, Jen, who was pulled in to a segment to help explain the seemingly bat-shit-crazy stuff women say or do to men, and she would bluntly non-explain why women did these things. She was as funny as she was unhelpful – she added to the men’s turmoil.
“Why does my wife nag me all the time?”
“Because we believe nagging helps.”
It was fucking hilarious.
I loved it – never reveal our true secrets, Jen.
Towards the end of the segment, Jen simply couldn’t explain one woman-like behaviour with anything else but “periods”.
“Euurrgggh!” cried Rog, Bryce and Tom in unison.
“Don’t say that word this early in the morning!”
“Just never say that word Jen!”
While their reactions cracked me up, It got me thinking; why are men so disgusted by periods? Especially men working in the rock music biz because:
Periods are metal as fuck.
We must contemplate the sheer badassery of women who bleed for around week straight once a month and not fucking die.
If the devil himself sacrificed six-hundred-and-sixty-six demon goats, it wouldn’t be half as bloody as what a vagina expels each month.
The boys – hell, all of us – should be throwing horns when periods are mentioned; not recoiling in disgust like a bunch of pussies.
Actually, that’s an unfair simile… because pussies are tougher than Chuck Norris.
What else do you know that can take a solid pounding and not only live to tell the tale, but actually enjoy it?
A pussy wouldn’t recoil from the mention of a period. It’s clit would also throw horns and head bang at the mention.
Is the main issue the blood?
Blood has been a celebrated theme in almost every genre of metal since metal was born!
– Slayer – Raining BLOOD (From the album Reign in BLOOD – it’s a blood fest)
– Cannibal Corpse – I Cum BLOOD (Bonus points for the blood coming out of a genital)
– Metallica – Pumping BLOOD (as if that’s not EXACTLY what our uterus is doing once a month)
For a lot of women, at least one period-day a month makes us feel like satan himself has set up firey house inside our abdomen, and has decided to redecorate by pulling down the walls with his jagged claws, and having a field day shoving them down the vagina-drain with a pitchfork.
Some women vomit until our throats are raw (think primal screams), some of us shit acid (feel free to use these lyrics) — we go through absolute hell, but all of us live to tell the tale.
Periods are beyond brutal, people.
So next time periods are mentioned on air, I challenge The Morning Rumble to simply react with; “hell yeah mother fucker, periods are metal as fuck” – then hit play on Blood and Thunder by Mastodon.